Blog

One of my favourite sayings over the last few years has been “we can do hard things”. Because I’ve learned that if we aren’t doing hard things we are hiding.

We all have different ways to hide, it’s important to look for your way, so you recognize it when it shows up.

When we consistently make an effort show up we have no choice but to become accountable for ourselves because we are constantly exposing ourselves.

The more we expose ourselves, the more we learn what matters.

And the more we learn what matters, the better we get at showing up in a way that makes a difference.

But when we hide and we do what’s easy, eventually something will call us out.

When that time come, who do you want to be?

The guy who is constantly exposing himself, has leaned how to be exposed with grace, and therefore isn’t scared of being called out?

Or the guy who has been hiding and taking the easy road?

You can do hard things and it’s worth it when you do, for reasons you can’t even begin to imagine from where you’re standing.

You never know who is swimming naked until the tide goes out.” – Warren Buffet

When a marriage comes to an end, it is an extremely fragile moment in time.  

Anyone who thinks otherwise is dead wrong.  

Something happens energetically that makes you shaky, vulnerable, and completely unsure of yourself, and almost every move you make.   Thus making you very susceptible to taking someone else’s advice, good or bad, because you really don’t know the difference.  

A girlfriend of mine was given some advice, about 6 months post separation, by someone she trusted, to sleep with 10 different men before she committed to anyone.  

Every time she did, she spiralled into a crazy mess inside.  

By the third person, I looked at her and said, “I don’t really think this is working for you” and explained the pattern of destruction I saw after every encounter.  She was surprised, but so relieved for me to let her off the hook.  She couldn’t see it.  

What I know for sure is, at this incredibly messy time it feels like nothing is working… But some things will work better than others.  Some things will help you.   Stay close to the things that make you feel a little bit better and on the right path.  

I learned about writing a blog everyday and thought I am going to do this everyday for 2 years and see what happens. There are lots of days I wouldn’t have written anything without making that promise because it’s hard and sometimes I feel flat and have nothing to say.

I learned about vulnerability and said I want to be more like that. Then I found out how hard it was and I kind of didn’t want to do that anymore.

I learned about empathy and thought I can do more of that. Then I realized how hard it is because in order to practice empathy you really need to understand how you feel and operate on the other side of the equation, and I didn’t always know that.

I learned about the importance of adding value to someone else’s life and that my legacy would be every life I touch, and I thought I want to do more value adding. Then I realized how hard it is to be full of value when I’m just an ordinary person.

And through all of this I’ve learned a few things…

I’ve learned a lot about forgiveness. I’ve had to forgive myself for not knowing how, for not being perfect, for not being able to consistently do the things I’ve wanted to do, and for not being able to apply it to all areas of my life without someone telling me I’m missing a spot.

I’ve learned a lot about resilience. The only thing worse than trying to get through something that’s hard, is to quit because something seemed harder than I expected. I couldn’t stand the thought of not writing a blog post, not being empathetic, or not being vulnerable just because it was hard.

I’ve learned that I forget to enjoy the journey when it’s hard. I start wishing for myself to be at the finish line. I close my eyes and power through instead of pausing. I look back and wish I could be there, I look forward and wish I could be there. When really I just need to be here because this is where I am.

There is no escaping what’s hard.

There is no option to hide, to ignore, or to stay in a rut.

But there is the option to stop taking life so seriously and to enjoy the journey and the gifts it brings.

There is a chance we might look back and think these were some of the best days of our life.

So let’s live them and let’s enjoy them like they are the best days of our lives.

We want things.

We want to be liked by our people.

We want to belong.

We want to be seen.

We want to be loved.

There is a good reason for wanting those things. It’s in our make up and our wiring. Which means they are needs for us, not just desires.

But here’s the thing… until you have discovered that you genuinely like yourself, realized that you belong to yourself, allowed yourself to explore and see your true self inside, and ultimately love yourself and show compassion towards yourself, we won’t ever fully accept it from other people.

So when you feel a little bit empty and wanting someone else to fill you up or make it better, stop. That’s not going to help you nearly as much as finding it within yourself.

And once you do find it in yourself, you will recognize the other fulfilled and overflowing generous people, because you are one of them. Once you are full, you can give.

The best way to “get” love, is to give it away.

(Brene Brown speaks about it in this clip)

Stress is bad for you.

They say it all of the time, but for some reason we don’t take them seriously.  

I see people living highly stressful lives, and making justifications for it all of the time.

I’ve done it too.

I lived in high stress for years.

I had acne all over my back, my hair was unhealthy, and the whites of my eyes were yellow.

I had all sorts of stomach and digestion issues and my neck and shoulders were constantly tight and super painful.

My body was trying desperately to send the message to me that something needed to change, and that added to the stress.

Pretty soon the stress was dictating what I could and couldn’t wear because the acne was embarrassing.

My hair wouldn’t curl and wasn’t shiny so I would use more and more products trying to get it to cooperate.

I knew what some of the problems were, but it took me a long time to figure out the crux.

I wasn’t in control of my own life.

I wasn’t living true to who I was.

I was accommodating everyone else’s choices and lifestyles, no matter how far they were from my own… and when they weren’t compatible (which they often weren’t) I became a doormat.

The result was living a highly stressful life that wasn’t going anywhere, let alone the direction I wanted to go.

I see so many people I love doing the same thing.

I have dear friends who are keeping toxic friendships, working at dead end jobs, or desperately trying to hold on to relationships that have long since reached their expiry date.

There are some types of stress you have to keep moving through until it clears.  Journaling, yoga, sleep, meditation and eating well helps to relieve the toll it’s taking on you… these were lifesavers for me and ultimately how I ended up writing this blog.

But the never ending stress that comes from trying to live in a lifestyle you don’t belong, trying to keep someone happy who isn’t happy, or trying to make a project work that isn’t working and you don’t love is soul sucking stress that breaks you down and makes you sick.

If you’re living it, you know how awful it is.

You feel like you’re in survival mode, you feel sick to your stomach most of the time, you can’t relax, and you always feel on edge or at the end of your rope.

This is deadly stress that will build up terrible toxic thoughts and emotions in you that bring physical illness and ailments.  

These things need to be culled before they ruin your life and the one chance you have to live it to the fullest.

It’s just like dead heading a plant, if you leave the dead parts trying to breathe life back into them, pretty soon most of the plant looks dead.  

But once the dead parts and stress start to fall away, the plant becomes healthy and vibrant.

And so will you once you begin to live true to who you are and what your heart wants… life comes back, skin clears, eyes glow and hair shines.

And the people, places and things that you love will get the best of you.

It’s difficult to follow your dreams, but it’s a tragedy not to do so” – Unknown

PS. I am building a course for big hearted people who want to live more whole heartedly… if you would like to me to drop you a line as more information becomes available, sign up for my private email list below. 

If you give people an out, they are more likely to stay.

Although some people will take the out.

I used to be the person who took the “out”, and there were times I wouldn’t opt in if I didn’t see the out.

I was afraid. I didn’t see it that way though. We don’t like to admit our fears do we?

I was afraid I would be trapped if I didn’t opt out. My ego was stuck on being independent and strong and I wouldn’t ever allow a choice that appeared needy or dependent.

I didn’t want to be sucked down someone else’s rabbit hole, and I didn’t want to feel chained.

I tell a different story now because I’m not looking fo accolades, I’m looking for results.

Now when I’m given an “out”, it makes it easier to stay because the “out” validates the fact that I can move on when I’m ready.

We all want it to be our choice whether we stay or go.

And when it’s our choice to stay, we are so much happier to be there.

That’s why they say if you love something to set it free.

Your love language rules a huge part of your emotional life.

When you are feeling loved and handing out love, you are on top of the world and you feel invincible, creative, and you can be your best self.  I’m quite certain love is the antidote to almost everything.

When you aren’t feeling loved you feel bitter, resentful, and angry.

Someone who doesn’t understand your love language can bring up those feelings in you completely unintentionally.

You can have a mixture of love languages, or you can be very strong in one, but not the others.

One of my stronger love languages is Acts of Service.  This means I express love by doing things for other people.  Cooking a big thanksgiving dinner is one of them.

And when I do my Acts of Service it makes sense to me that other people will feel really loved by all of my dedication and hard work to prep the meal.   It seems to me that when they get there, they will be pitching in and helping out and in my mind it will become a lovely team effort and we all feel very loved and grateful by the end.

But not everyone has the same love language as I do.  When we come together and I keep doing all of the work by myself I start to feel unloved and I feeling angry and resentful.  Out of this resentment and brewing anger, I might say something unkind to someone who’s love language is Words of Affirmation.

The person who’s love language is Words of Affirmation has probably been cheering me on the whole way because that is how they show love – I haven’t even noticed it because I’m busy showing love by doing the Act of Service.  Now they begin to feel angry and resentful because I didn’t affirm them and tell them they were so great because I don’t think they are that great if they aren’t helping me.

Pretty soon we are all just a touch angry and  bit resentful and nobody is feel thankful and we go home exhausted and upset with each other.

But once you know your love language you can begin to see how these situations play out.

You can honor your love language once you know what it is.  Then you can make choices based on how much love you want to dish out, instead of trying to receive love in return.

You can take a quiz to find yours out here.  I’ve learned mine and others by simply paying attention to when I feel loved and when I feel resentment.  Quite often this is simply a love language at work, or a love language miscommunication.

I used to react to feedback in a way that undermined myself. I was always looking for approval from others and if someone saw me differently than I saw myself, I thought that was immediately bad.

I was a big open wound waiting to be stung.

For the longest time I wasn’t sure how to assimilate all of the opinions the world held, but the more I started to figure myself out, the more I was able to take feedback from others and use it to improve my communication and presence.

I’m beginning to see that we understand who we are through the eyes of others. There comes a point where we need to reflect to others what we notice to help them understand themselves also.

It’s helpful to recognize greatness in other people and let them know.

Feedback is a skill and it’s not always easy. I struggle to get the words right. Words are so important.

Sometimes we don’t use the right words in the right way to share our message in the way we are intending. Sometimes our words don’t land on each other the way we think we they will. Sometimes other people don’t receive compliments well or we hit a nerve without intending to.

It’s hard and it’s important to forgive others when they don’t have the right ones, but it’s also important to choose our words wisely.

Feedback is done well when it is generous and thoughtful and delivered with empathy.

I’ve learned that if what someone is doing is pushing my buttons, it’s best to keep my feedback to myself until I sort out why I’m being triggered and the hot spot has cooled down.

We have the most impact when we deliver it while ‘feeling the love’ at best, or when we are ’emotionally neutral’ at worst. We don’t have any impact when we are having a temper tantrum, or too strong.

There is a bit of magic that happens when you point out someone’s ‘super power’ who hasn’t yet realized it for themselves. They start to see the world differently.

To hold someone in the light of their greatness helps them to become more of it. Search for greatness in others and look for the clues within others feedback to better yourself.

There is a whole world of code waiting to be revealed from the eyes of another.

Have you ever been so scared that you acted in a way not true to who you are?

What if while living in that fear you wronged someone?

Would you apologize?   Would you give with an explanation?  Would you do it again?
Fear makes us do all sorts of crazy things we wouldn’t normally do which makes seeing it from the other persons point of view is so hard.  

We get so caught up in our story and our own survival that we can’t see anything clearly.  

I know this type of fear very well.   I lived in varying levels of it for longer than I ever wanted to.  

I behaved in ways I would never normally behave.  

I said things I would never normally say.  

I did things I would never normally do.   

I felt like I was the victim of someone else’s rage and hatred, but in the end That didn’t matter.  I had to apologize to for who I was in those moments of intense fear.  

Owning and apologizing for who I was in my own insanity, without explanation or justification for it, and then seeing it from another persons shoes was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.   

But it wasn’t until I got there, that I started to rebuild trust in those relationships.

When I was much younger I would watch the Grand Ole Opry on Saturday nights. I clearly remember the banjos and fiddles and Minnie Pearl on stage with her “Howwwwwdeeeeeeee!”

I spent the weekend in Nashville learning about the history of the Grand Ole Opry which marked its debut in 1925.

Zig Ziglar used to say, “you can be a wandering generality or a meaningful specific”, and the meaningful specific is the one you want to be.

The Opry encompasses all of what a meaningful specific is, and Nashville became what it is today because of the Opry. Nashville boasts $6 billion dollars in revenue from the music business.

Why?

Because the Opry was built for country music and the people who worked their hearts out to bring their music to the rest of us. The Opry didn’t cater to pop culture or rock and roll. It became the place to be for people who love country music to gather together, become a family, and honour the art and each other.

There is no other genre of music that has its own home, and Nashville became the gathering place because of it.

This is more than a business niche. This is a Mecca for the people who don’t want a watered down version. This is building a community, a family, and a place for country music to live, and it has lived on for almost 100 years.

Turns out Zig Ziglar knew what he was talking about.

For those of you who used to watch the Grand Ole Opry, I leave you with a nostalgic clip of Minnie Pearl (Sarah Canon) who was the mother figure of the Opry and worth $75 million when she passed away in 1996. She donated the majority of her money to build 2 cancer Center’s in Nashville as she never had family of her own to leave her fortune to.

https://youtu.be/2ksjWJDAYzk

I don’t believe in luck. 

I believe life has ebbs and flow and sometimes life is really good, and sometimes it’s hard for a while. 

Both come along and both pass.  

Nobody and nothing is excluded from the ebb and flow.  

Knowing this I genuinely celebrate other people’s wins, and empathize with their struggle 

There is no reason to get caught up in jealousy over other people’s seemingly picture perfect lives.  They have a story of struggle too, even if they are hiding it.

We are all given the life we need in order for our soul to evolve the way it’s intended.  

Some of us need to learn about finances, some of us need to learn about health, some of us need to learn how to connect, some of us need to learn how to love.  

So don’t sit in judgement of another persons life…good or bad.  

They’ve got just as much to learn as you do, it’s maybe just in another area.

Just for today let’s be grateful for what we have and let our cup overfill.

We have things.

We have clothes.

We have food.

We have each other.

There is always the opposite side of wanting more or not having enough lurking. Maybe we want a different thing, our bodies aren’t what they used to be, and our relationships aren’t what we want them to be.

But just for today, let’s focus on what we have already done, and already have.

Let’s allow ourselves to feel full, and proud, and accomplished, and then move forward from a space of contribution rather than from a place of lack.

Before I really realized how important words are, I would say things I didn’t mean, write letters or emails or texts without paying attention to their long lasting effects or how they could hurt someone if they got into the wrong hands.

I wasn’t careful with the things I said like I should have been.

A few years ago I was talking to someone who has struggled consistently in rodeos, but he has continued to rodeo for over 20 years now.

When I saw him I asked how it was going, and he said he had won a rodeo the week before.

I replied with, “that’s so great you finally won something!”

My opinion flew right out of my mouth without any empathy towards his struggle to stick with it or his grit and resiliance to keep trying.

The small details in conversations will bring you clues as to where someone else stands on a subject… just like my opinion of the cowboy came out accidentally.

If you listen very carefully to someone, you can pick up the nuances of who they are, or what they think, things they may not be honest with themselves about.

Sometimes things come out wrong, but more often words come out exactly right.

I was talking to a friend just the other day and I asked him if he was going to reach the goal he’s talked about working towards for the last couple of years, and he replied with “I have very little doubt.”

This is a term we use as positive and yet it really means there is still doubt, even if just a little bit.

I don’t know if he genuinely realizes he is doubting himself, and I didn’t point it out to him, but he certainly didn’t say, “absolutely! It’s just a matter of time”.   There is a big difference between the two statements if you listen carefully.

Sticks and stones my break my bones, but names will never hurt me…

Not true, words are everything they get inside us and eat us alive if we let them.

We need to choose them carefully and listen to them objectively.

“Words start wars and end them, create love and choke it, bring us to laughter and joy and tears. Words cause men and women to willingly risk their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor. Our world, as we know it, revolves on the power of words.”  ― Roy Williams

I don’t know how the word “deserve” plays into our existence.

I don’t think any one person deserves anything more than another. How do you make sense of us living in a first world country while others don’t have access to clean water. That has nothing to do with deserving.

We get carried away in our relationships thinking we deserve better than what we are getting and this thought pattern makes us angry, like we are receiving less than a normal human experience.

But the human experience is different, and the same, for all of us.

It’s about our journey and the lessons we need to evolve. None of those lessons are deserved. They just are.

The lessons in the journey exist to stretch us, to overcome our limits, our fears, and our ego, and to help us move closer to understanding our own power.

The lessons are not punishment.

Life is not trying to take you down, it’s asking you to rise.

If a bear is chasing me through the woods, or a minivan is chasing me through a parking lot, or a gun is pointed at me… I need to be scared in order to save my life.  
Not every fear I have deserves that same level of intensity, although sometimes you wouldn’t know it. 

I’ve read in a few different places that the part of our brain that senses fear hasn’t evolved with us.  It works the same way it did when we were cave men or hunter gatherers and it literally reacts the same as it would if we were going to die.  

Once I learned that, I started to qualify my fears by that measure.  

Is this going to kill me?   So far the answer has always been no.  

Except that’s not entirely true. The first night I attended an open mic I thought I was going to die when I got up to read some of my blog in front of people.  I even so much as told my mom I would when she asked what I was going to do that night, but I’m still here to tell the story.  

Make friends with your fears they say… learn to dance with them, not run from them.  

I wondered what the heck that even meant. I couldn’t even conjure up a visual for it.

But I have begun to recognize that as I have started to be more brave, the fears I had, that seemed so huge were completely unfounded.  I was never going to die.  

They do however, signal an area I need growth in. A place deep inside that tells me I have found my limit of what I believe I’m capable of.

When I wanted to stay small I would shrink back when I found that limit. 

Now I know I need to do that thing that’s scaring me.  

My fears are the definition of my comfort zone.  

Nothing magical ever happens in your comfort zone, and I’ve started to seek out the edges of it.  

Pema Chödrön says we can’t be fearless until we know the energy of fear.  

We can’t know the energy of fear or how to be fearless if we don’t do things that scare us.  

I have been hypnotized by someone else’s arrogant aires.

I have naively interpreted someone’s cockiness as confidence.  

I have followed the lead of a pompous individuals.

And I have learned that ego creates problems where there weren’t, and it is nothing more than an act.

The real people to admire are the ones who admit they don’t know.

They are the ones who work hard to gain footing, and never stop trying to learn.

They are involved, they are supportive, and they are reliable.

They are the people who respect others ideas and their opinions.

They believe in their work and care more about doing good work than bravado.

They understand that there is power in numbers and a good team is always better than an individual.

They want to help you, they don’t want to hurt you.

These are the people I want to be around, these are the examples I want to follow.

Together we can lead each other with humility, cooperation and grace.

“Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.” ~ Edmond Lee

I believed I was really good at “loving” someone.

I would put their happiness first, I would make sacrifices for them, I would care for them, emotionally support them, cheer them on, and I would be epically patient and understanding with them no matter what.  

This was my definition of how to love someone.

I knew I had a big heart, and I believed my heart could weather all of the storms.

So I put it through hell.

I made choices and put myself in situations and told the universe my heart didn’t matter because it was big and strong and it could handle anything,

I didn’t honour what was in my heart.  I didn’t listen to my heart, I didn’t speak from my heart, and I didn’t apply any of that “really good love” to myself.

I didn’t let anyone else have that job either because that was a bit too vulnerable, and my heart was big and strong.

One day I noticed a physical pain in my heart.

At first it was a little jab here and there and I didn’t pay much attention.

But over the months it grew into a continuous ache that I couldn’t ignore anymore.

I remember thinking one day, “I have a really good heart, why am I not looking after it?”

That was the day I started making better choices, I started allowing myself to be loved, and I really started listening to what my heart wanted and was trying to tell me.

I started to live life with my whole heart, instead of only using half of it.

The pain went away when I started listening to my heart and stopped trying to figure everything out in my head.

It certainly hasn’t always been easy, and there has been a lot of change in me to get there.

It’s a journey, but it’s the one that will lead you to the life you dream of.

When it comes to you, are you listening to what your heart wants?
PS.  If you have a big strong heart but don’t know how to follow it, sign up for my private email list below.  I’m building a course that teaches how to live whole-heartedly and I’ll drop you a line as more details become available.