Blog

Tomorrow is the last day of the first quarter of 2020.

If you have been in a time warp over the last couple of weeks, now would be a good time to step out of the time warp and remember what you had thought about, planned, and envisioned at the beginning of the year.

If things are still on track for you, take a moment and feel good about that.

If you have fallen off track, I think you are with 90% of the world.

I think its ok to be off track, but I also think it is important to notice it, decide what the next steps are, and to make a few decisions about what comes next.

The end of the quarter is a great time to do that.

Just for today let’s make a couple of plans for the next quarter.

Visit your January vision. Do you still want now what you wanted then? If so, how can you bring yourself back into alignment?

If you have decided the January vision isn’t what you want, then where are you headed now?

Then make a Plan B in the event that you need it.

Today is the day.

When I started writing this blog I said I would write every single day for 2 years.

Here we are.

May 7, 2016 was the day it all began.

Up until then I had feeling of being unappreciated and undervalued. I was hurt and angry and had spent a solid 4-5 months trying to figure out a plan.

I asked others what they saw in me or how they might introduce me to someone, and they didn’t know what to say except that I was quiet and kept to myself.

The tension inside myself had been on the rise for months.

Finally I opened a google doc and wrote this:

May 7, 2016

Time to Leap

I had a knowing. Deep down inside I knew I could be doing life better. But I wasn’t. I had lots of reasons excuses. The kids need me, I don’t have any money, it is not the right time, I don’t have enough time … and on and on. But I knew I could do better with my gifts. I blamed it on the bad weather and the good weather, on the dark basement, on my computer, on my support network, or on my lack of support network. But deep down, and sometimes more clearly than others… it still nagged at me. I was playing it safe and I knew it.

I am not angry with myself for playing it safe. I honor the reasons I felt were important for me to play it safe. They were very good reasons at the time, but enough is enough. Now is the perfect time…. And now was always the perfect time. I choose myself. I pick me. No more hiding. No more playing it safe. No more putting ALL of my energy into supporting someone else’s dreams. Now, I will support my dreams as well, and learn as we go. Am I scared? Yes. (why do our dreams scare us?) But do I want to deny myself living a life that I have dared to dream? Not anymore. I’m not getting any younger or buying any more time. So here we go… Let’s leap.

I promised myself that day I would write every single day for 2 years and “see what happens”.

I kept my blog in that google doc for 3 months writing poorly, and sharing it with only a handful of people who wouldn’t question me, pass judgement, or try to talk me out of it. I cried almost every time I shared it with someone.

In order to keep myself from hiding, next promise I made was that I would go live in August of that year.

And I did, but the only people who knew were the ones I had already told and were reading the google doc.

I created a Facebook page for my blog and I was secretly sharing it to that page nobody knew about. One day I was running behind and in a hurry, I shared my blog to Facebook and went about my morning. After being at work a while I logged into Facebook only to realize I had accidentally shared my blog to my personal Facebook page instead of the blogs page, and someone had shared it and another had liked my blog page.

I panicked, and I cried.

That’s how the cat was let out of the bag.

Today is the 2 year mark and I can’t begin to count all of the “things that have happened”, but I can share a few hi-lites that are top of my mind…

I have done something productive every single day, and the history is right here in this blog if I ever doubt myself…

I have connected with some super cool people, and reconnected with super cool people because I am hanging out where I can be seen.

I have learned that writing helps the world make more sense. It forces me to think a thought all the way through to the end, and it helps me question the truth and the stories I tell myself.

I have healed a LOT of inner wounds.

I have learned how to keep myself from spiralling down when life gets hard because my fear of writing Debbie Downer material is bigger than almost every other negative thought that crosses my mind.. and I know that if I spiral today, I still have to write tomorrow.

I have learned that some people like it when I tell stories that touch their heart, some people like practical advice, some people like to learn a fun tip, some people like simple reminders, and some people come to read and never say a word or tell me they were here.

I have a few cheerleaders that never miss a day of reading. When I fall into a state of needing reassurance or approval for a vulnerable blog post, they always show up and let me know they are still supporting me.

I have solicited an editor that texts me my spelling errors, and he never misses a day.

I have received tremendous feedback and it has helped me to figure out my own gifts and build appreciation for myself and who I am.

I have cried buckets of tears while typing on these pages and once in a while I’ve been able to throw in a joke or a reason to giggle (this wasn’t something I thought I could do before).

The best part is that I’ve been able to share what is on the inside of me, and that all of you want to hear it. I had squashed and shut down the voice I had inside for most of my adult life.

I had chastised, judged, shushed, reprimanded, shamed, and belittled myself in my quest to fix myself to find perfection … instead of exploring, expressing and understanding myself. My blog has given me an outlet to discover me.

Thank you for sharing my journey, I love you all fiercely.

I have wondered over the last several months if I should carry on or change it up.

It’s hard to write everyday and maybe I should back off to a less rigorous routine.

Then I receive a private message from someone I don’t personally know who tells me they can’t wait to read my blog everyday, and another message from someone telling me how my blog gets them thinking and shares their stories with me, and my dad starts sharing my posts with his friends, and I started wondering who in their right mind would walk away from all of this?

We can do hard things… together.

See you tomorrow❤️

I have a lot of friends going through some really tough stuff right now. Like really hard, and it’s not slowing down for them. I wonder if this is the way for all of us right now, or if it’s just a midlife thing. We aren’t accepting mediocrity anymore, but as we level up towards a better life the path to get there is foreign and we stumble.

I’ve been inspired by so many brave women who are showing up in the world and leading the way. Oprah, Brenè Brown, Cheryl Strayed, Reese Witherspoon, and Elizabeth Gilbert.

As I think about my friends I know there aren’t a magic set of words that make everything ok, it’s a learning, an unravelling of layers of “safety”, sifting through priorities, and reassembling of life. It’s hard and it takes time.

Elizabeth Gilbert’s words keep ringing through my head… “The women I love and admire for their strength and grace did not get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit went wrong and they handled it. They handled it a thousand different ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it. Those women are my superheroes.”

My superhero’s are these women too, but they aren’t only women. My super hero’s are all of the people who are handling their shit even though it keeps coming fast and furious. You are warriors and I love you fiercely.

Blame is unproductive and useless. When you blame others you forfeit all responsibility and you give up your opportunity for growth. You reject the lesson that’s meant for you, and you will cause resentment in your relationships.

Blaming someone else will never get you where you want to go.

But neither will taking all of the responsibility.

You can only be responsible for your actions, your choices, and your reactions. You can not be responsible for someone else’s. It doesn’t work.

This took me a lot of years to figure out.

Taking responsibility for things you have no control over isn’t helpful for anyone. It breeds immature behaviour, irresponsibility, an environment for blame, and it handicaps the team.

Everyone wants to feel valued, seen, and like they are contributing… but at the same time people become lazy and unmotivated when they don’t feel like they have an important role.

When you carry all of the responsibility, you are letting others off the hook and stunting growth and movement.

When all people involved feel valued and take ownership of their role things can move forward quickly. This is fun and is a healthy environment for future growth.

I’ve learned to think bigger than I used to.

It’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions.

Thinking bigger challenges all of your old belief systems and mental conditioning.

It’s not one of those things you can just decide to do, because it’s all a mental game, and you have to constantly get out of your own way.

You think you can’t do it…

You don’t know how to do it…

You get stuck…

You feel hopeless….

You get angry…

You pout…

And you have to believe in possibility more than any of the thoughts that trigger those feelings.

It’s not a walk in the park, but it’s fun to see how things around you change.

It’s neat to see how you change.

And it’s never a bad idea to see what you’re made of.

It doesn’t take any more energy to think big, but it takes a some tenacity to keep getting over yourself.

You are the only one who can hold you back from the life you want.

So there we sat.  

She looked me square in the eye and said, “when you love someone with a heart that is already broken, it’s like you keep trying to fill it up for them, but it just keeps leaking out the bottom.”

And that’s when I began to understand, you can’t love someone enough.  

Until that point, I believed loving someone “enough” would heal their broken heart.  

Looking back on my relationship history, it is apparent I chose people that I thought would be healed from my big, loving, generous heart.  

The problem is, if they don’t believe they are loveable, it is impossible for them to accept love.   Their personal belief prevents it and you can’t love that out of them.  

I couldn’t see that from the inside.   

I always heard that a relationship isn’t 50/50… It’s 100/100.  So when things weren’t working I would try to give more.   

But no matter how loving I was, or how hard I loved, it went unappreciated, rejected and ignored, or at best it was taken for granted.   

So I would try even harder.   Love more.  Hoping to prove my own philosophy to myself.  

Sitting there that day, hearing those words, changed everything.  

That started the unravelling.  

You don’t have to stand up and speak your mind about everything, but you do have to speak up about what you believe is right.

The next time you decide to stay quiet or let someone else do the work, remember that it’s not the quiet ones that make history.

It’s not the ones who chose to stay out of it that make change happen.

It’s not the ones who sit back that we remember.

You need to know what your silence means.

“We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere.” ― Elie Wiesel

How long will you continue to live like this?

Big change only becomes important when you look into the future and legitimately see yourself 5, 10, 15 years down the road doing the same things you are now, living the same life.  

The things you have been putting up with for years aren’t going to change themselves or they would have by now.

I read this yesterday and thought yes!   That’s what did it for me!

The pain of staying where I was for another 15 years was greater than the pain of making the change.  

If you imagine yourself in the future doing the same as you are now, would you be happy?

Are you willing to do what’s necessary to make the change for your future self?

I quit doing New Years resolutions.   

I have tried them in the past, but they seem like a torture test to me as they seem to focus on your weaknesses.  Declutter your house, lose weight, set your budget, fold all of your laundry out of the dryer… and I pretty much can’t wait to quit doing any of it by January 5.

I’ve learned about vision boards, and the power of writing your goals out.   Posting them somewhere you will see them everyday, and planning all of the steps.  
I have a lot of unapplied knowledge about goals that I really should apply.

But I don’t do well with wandering aimlessly through life.  So I do keep a destination in mind.  Then I commit to some kind of action I can take that will move me towards my destination…but with an exit point… something like writing a blog post everyday for 2 years.  

The exit point is there to allow me to stop without letting myself down, it doesn’t mean I have to stop at that point. It simply means I’m going to do it until then without fail, and then re-evaluate when I get there.

This gives me direction, allows me to see progression, and keeps me working towards a certain outcome.   It works well for me.

So if you struggle with New Years resolutions like I do… maybe this will help.  

Just make a small daily actionable commitment towards a bigger goal, so you can see where you end up!

If nothing else, it is a fun little adventure.

And who doesn’t love an adventure now and then!

I used to think that I could compartmentalize life.

Most people would get my utmost respect and attention except for maybe one or two that I didn’t like.

I would generally love most people, unless they pushed my buttons and then I would withhold love from them.

I would typically invest myself into a job and put 110% effort towards it, except for the ones I didn’t want and then I might half ass my way through it.

I would maintain a certain standard for how I wanted to live, except for some areas.

It was a really bad habit.

I read an article a long time ago (I don’t have the link to it anymore), and it told me that if you accept things that bother you in one area of life, it leaks into other areas of life.

For example, if you have a crooked picture on the wall and it bothers you but you leave it the way it is even though you are bothered by it, your acceptance muscle of things that bother you atrophies.

In other words, when something bothers you in another area of your life, you can easily allow it because you haven’t kept that muscle strong by being consistent with disallowing things that pick at you.

So I applied it to my life.

This one little exercise has now morphed into consistency throughout my whole life, and allowed me to fine tune who I am and who I want to be.

When something isn’t lining up with my values, but I am still doing it, I can feel it deteriorating all areas of my life.

I still try to compartmentalize things without realizing it, but the discord becomes unbearable.

It was a small thing that made a huge difference in my life.

I’ve learned that if you care about it, it needs to be a standard that is upheld everywhere and always.

First you have to feel ok.

I didn’t know this and I was operating from survival mode. I was almost always at the end of my rope, in fight or flight mode, and completely maxed out. It was a full time job to keep my emotions in check.

Then I created some space in my life.

In that open space I learned real self care and how to fill my own bucket with forgiveness, compassion, and self love.

And I found peace inside myself.

You can’t find peace inside yourself by trying to control others and your external circumstances. Peace comes from digging into your emotions, understanding your triggers, and embracing your humanity.

When you get there you feel full inside. You aren’t needy, demanding or insecure. You can set boundaries, hold your ground, seek connection, and love others when it’s the last thing you feel like doing.

It’s a process and it starts by seeking inner peace. And just in case you’re wondering, inner peace is entirely possible, but it doesn’t happen overnight.

I have never heard someone talk about their dream and say, but I just want to be average at that.

We all want to be great.

That holds us back more than anything.

It seems as soon as we start to implement a plan towards greatness, it becomes obvious that we might not be great.

Then we stall out.

This happens to me more than I’d like to admit.

I have been wanting to build an online course for well over a year.   

I was discussing it with a friend the other day and I said, “I just don’t know what it will be or what it will look like”.

He said the best thing someone could have ever said to me.

He said, “it will probably look really crappy at first.”

And it took away all of the pressure my ego had on me to be perfect, smart and great.

No matter how hard I try, it probably will look really crappy at first.

It doesn’t have to look crappy, but it probably will.

Thank goodness that’s the expectation because that’s achievable.  

Now maybe I can finally start building it.

Yes, it’s absolutely true that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly – until you can learn to do it well.” – Zig Ziglar 

P.S.  I think I have an idea in mind, but I would love to hear if you have any great ideas you’re not planning to use for an online course.   

Here are a few things that I’m up to right now.

What I’m reading:   Tools of the Titans by Tim Ferriss.   Tim has written his cliff notes from over 200 podcast interviews he has done (of ‘Titans’ like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Seth Godin, Derek Sivers, Brene Brown) and 700 blog post articles.    I’m loving it as it is all about the framework people have used to become healthy, wealthy and wise.  

What I’m Listening to:  Aside from Christmas music and practicing for karaoke night on Christmas Eve, I have been listening to a super talented young man who won the Stampede Youth Talent contest a couple of years ago.  He released his first single this summer and it’s ridiculously good.  Maybe we should invite him for karaoke!  Christian Hudson, Four Leaf Clover 

Quote I’m Pondering Still:  “The reason you’re suffering is you’re focused on yourself.” – Tony Robbins.  (From Tools of the Titans)   

What I’m grateful for: Being able to breathe… you haven’t forgotten to breathe have you?

Would love to hear what you guys are up to also!   Please do share if you have some free moments during this busy holiday season.

Several years ago my son shot his BB gun and broke a window in someone else’s car.

He was sick to his stomach about it.

The guy was great, I sent him right down to the glass shop and paid for a new window in his car. Then had my son pay me back for the window which was about $150.

Easy.

When you can fix a problem with money, it’s not a real problem.

There are some things money can’t fix.

Trust is one of those things. If you don’t have trust, you have a big problem and you might not even recognize it.

No amount of money in the world can fix a trust problem.

A lack of trust creates animosity, resentment, resistance, friction, jealousy, anger, aggression, revenge, and lawsuits. Everything is harder when you don’t have trust.

Trust is scarce in our world. When you build it you have something not very many people have. It’s a reputation you want and it speaks to your character.

People don’t protect against you when they trust you, they happily give their hearts, hands, blood, sweat, and tears for you and they feel good about it afterwards. You can’t buy that, you earn it.

My daughter is a great kid and she does well in school. She works hard at school and tries hard to do her best. The teachers give her the benefit of the doubt all of the time.

Her school hands out “choices forms” when a student makes a bad choice. After several choices forms you start to lose privileges.

She decided she wanted to get one choices form before she left the school just to say she wasn’t always a “good girl”.

I explained to her that one choices form would start to erode trust. It wouldn’t be about that one choices form but the fact that teachers would change their opinion of her and she would no longer receive the benefit of the doubt.

My boys didn’t get the benefit of the doubt at that school. They were boys. They made some bad choices and had the fun friends who were facing getting expelled because of so many “choices forms”. They had to walk a much tighter rope because they weren’t trusted.

Once trust is gone it is almost impossible to restore… and you can’t buy it back and you have to work ten times as hard to gain an ounce.

So while the days are harder than usual and your emotions are on a roller coaster, I encourage you to make choices about what you say, how you react, and how you lead and that are based on building trust.

Your future self will thank you.

I find it interesting when someone would rather do what they’ve always done than try something new when the opportunity shows up.

Are you a person who joins in on the activities? Or are you someone who declines and hangs back?

I used to decline and hang back. I don’t know if I thought I was too cool or if I was just caught up in myself so much that I couldn’t see the value of a new experience.

I’ve now surrounded myself with the enthusiasts. The people who want to join before they even know the details. The people who cheer for others just because it’s fun, and the people who help come up with more ideas, follow suit, and want to belong for the sake of belonging.

THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!

They are the very best kind. They are excited. They are supportive. And they are so much fun!

Expansion of yourself feels good, and now I choose to expand whenever I get the chance (except when it’s my waist). What a joy filled journey it’s been.

If you’re someone who hangs back, I am here to tell you, you simply don’t know what you’re missing.

I once went to a body talk practitioner.  She was an incredibly intuitive, kind and loving person. I learned a lot about myself from her… but the best part of the visit was the hug she gave you at the end.  

Her hugs were therapeutic.   I want to hug just like her when I grow up.  

There is really nothing worse than coming in to hug someone who is stiff as a board, stands a foot away from you and taps you a couple of times on the back with one hand.   Why even bother?
A good hug wraps you up with both arms and showers you with love from an open heart.

Let’s start a soul to soul open hearted, love flowing  hugging revolution.

You with me?

Relationships have never been easy for me. From the outside looking in, I always assumed they were easy for everyone else and I was the problem.

In grade school I really struggled with belonging. I never did well in groups and always just wanted one friend for myself. That worked well until one of us missed a few days and left the other one solo, or until we made other friends.

In junior high I floundered a lot. I added boyfriends and bullies to my mix of relationships.

By high school I could finally see the light and knew the end was near. I switched schools to find a new crowd, my best friend got a steady boyfriend and she spent all of her time with him, and I had a boyfriend through the majority of those years.

After school I took control of my relationships, but not in a healthy way. I wanted friends but I had written off the idea that anyone wanted to be friends with me, so I joined Mom groups but always kept my heart closed and guarded.

Closing your heart is never a good idea. I didn’t know that at the time, I didn’t know it was a thing. I saw myself as the victim. I considered myself open and loving and friendly, but I thought nobody wanted to be friends with me. That belief caused me to sabotage every relationship, because I didn’t think anyone wanted to be friends with me, I made every decision believing they didn’t care.

I would cut friendships off cold turkey when I decided I didn’t want that type of friend anymore.

I wouldn’t show up to places I had been invited to because I didn’t think anyone would notice if I was there or not.

I wouldn’t tell them important things or talk about things that mattered because I didn’t think they cared.

How awful and confusing it must have been to be friends with me. I was kind and loving, but had this underlying belief that nobody cared, so I treated them poorly by never showing up.

Only in the last 5 years have I started to see how much I was the problem.

Only in the last 2 years have I started to gain a real understanding for relationships and how deep the connections run within them.

I’ve learned a few things…

You don’t get to just walk away from a bad relationship. There are years of healing and processing and disconnecting that has to take place.

When someone enters your life for whatever reason, personal or business, it is always important to keep the relationship strong and healthy and boundaried. At some point you will have to process all of the bad details, the more you do in real time the better it is, you don’t get to just walk away from them.

Unhealthy personal beliefs cause hurt, heartache, and pain to everyone, not just you.

I have learned the belief that serves me the best is believing that everyone feels the same way I do at the core level.

Everyone wants to be loved.

Everyone wants to be seen and heard.

Everyone wants to belong somewhere.

Everyone is operating from their own level of consciousness and it’s never about you (even when it feels like it).

Everyone longs to be fulfilled and have a meaningful life.

Everyone benefits from vulnerability, connection, support, and real empathy.

Once I began to see other people in that light, everything changed.

I learned to treat others with care and I love them more freely. I show up, I listen, and I have a better understanding of what it takes to be a good friend.

But mostly I have learned to respect every single relationship, every single connection, and every single interaction.

They aren’t about me, they are about all of us.

Every single one matters a little bit. Every big one matters a lot and they all needed to be treated with the utmost care and attention.

Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”

― Brené Brown,

I genuinely love people but sometimes they can really suck.

I know I’m not perfect. I don’t fold socks, the top of my dresser is never cleaned off, my windows are dirty, and sometimes my Christmas decorations stay up all year.

In my rationale because I fall short in some areas I know others will fall short in some areas too, so I have always made excuses for other people no matter what they’ve done.

But I’m tired of making excuses for people who have complete disregard for other people.

It is not hard to care about others, to be generous, and to try to make someone else’s day a little brighter, a little easier, or a little less overwhelming. In fact it’s super important.

I have 2 major opposite extremes of people in my life right now.

I have random strangers that have dumped dead appliances and broken glass into my backyard, and others who have taken my money for appliances but didn’t bother to wipe them down or clean them first. I have taken 4 trailer loads of other people’s garbage to the dump, and cleaned more disgusting messes than I’ve ever had to before.

If I had to tackle this on my own it would be hopeless and devastating.

But meanwhile I have the absolute most generous selfless people helping me get through the really hard stuff. In fact they are not only helping me, they are doing most of the heavy lifting, to the point that there is no way I will ever be able to repay them.

Because these beautiful souls care more about other people than themselves, in a situation where I should feel depressed and defeated by the people who suck, I am feeling so incredibly lucky and truly blessed.

I think sometimes bad things happen to good people so that good people know there are other good people in the world, and are reminded and validated about how important it is to be good people.

The light really does eliminate the darkness.

Your acts of kindness really can undo the pain that other people’s suckiness creates.

Caring about people you know, and especially about people you don’t know, can change a persons worldview, and that will change their life.

Always be the light because I promise you… it matters.