Relationships have never been easy for me. From the outside looking in, I always assumed they were easy for everyone else and I was the problem.
In grade school I really struggled with belonging. I never did well in groups and always just wanted one friend for myself. That worked well until one of us missed a few days and left the other one solo, or until we made other friends.
In junior high I floundered a lot. I added boyfriends and bullies to my mix of relationships.
By high school I could finally see the light and knew the end was near. I switched schools to find a new crowd, my best friend got a steady boyfriend and she spent all of her time with him, and I had a boyfriend through the majority of those years.
After school I took control of my relationships, but not in a healthy way. I wanted friends but I had written off the idea that anyone wanted to be friends with me, so I joined Mom groups but always kept my heart closed and guarded.
Closing your heart is never a good idea. I didn’t know that at the time, I didn’t know it was a thing. I saw myself as the victim. I considered myself open and loving and friendly, but I thought nobody wanted to be friends with me. That belief caused me to sabotage every relationship, because I didn’t think anyone wanted to be friends with me, I made every decision believing they didn’t care.
I would cut friendships off cold turkey when I decided I didn’t want that type of friend anymore.
I wouldn’t show up to places I had been invited to because I didn’t think anyone would notice if I was there or not.
I wouldn’t tell them important things or talk about things that mattered because I didn’t think they cared.
How awful and confusing it must have been to be friends with me. I was kind and loving, but had this underlying belief that nobody cared, so I treated them poorly by never showing up.
Only in the last 5 years have I started to see how much I was the problem.
Only in the last 2 years have I started to gain a real understanding for relationships and how deep the connections run within them.
I’ve learned a few things…
You don’t get to just walk away from a bad relationship. There are years of healing and processing and disconnecting that has to take place.
When someone enters your life for whatever reason, personal or business, it is always important to keep the relationship strong and healthy and boundaried. At some point you will have to process all of the bad details, the more you do in real time the better it is, you don’t get to just walk away from them.
Unhealthy personal beliefs cause hurt, heartache, and pain to everyone, not just you.
I have learned the belief that serves me the best is believing that everyone feels the same way I do at the core level.
Everyone wants to be loved.
Everyone wants to be seen and heard.
Everyone wants to belong somewhere.
Everyone is operating from their own level of consciousness and it’s never about you (even when it feels like it).
Everyone longs to be fulfilled and have a meaningful life.
Everyone benefits from vulnerability, connection, support, and real empathy.
Once I began to see other people in that light, everything changed.
I learned to treat others with care and I love them more freely. I show up, I listen, and I have a better understanding of what it takes to be a good friend.
But mostly I have learned to respect every single relationship, every single connection, and every single interaction.
They aren’t about me, they are about all of us.
Every single one matters a little bit. Every big one matters a lot and they all needed to be treated with the utmost care and attention.
Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”
― Brené Brown,