I was surprised by my own shyness. I haven’t ever seen myself in that light before. I knew certain social situations had me feeling awkward, uncomfortable, and inadequate, but I hadn’t ever paid much attention to why I had those feelings before.
It had me wondering if I have always been shy, and pretending to be someone I wasn’t…or if this was a new development.
So I did some research.
Bad news.
It’s not about shyness at all really.
“Shyness often goes with a self-concept that is predominately negative, the belief of being inadequate… behind every negative self-concept is the hidden desire of being the greatest or better than others.” – Elkhart Tolle, A New Earth
Interesting. Inadequacy is the hidden desire of being the greatest or better than others.
I deal with all sorts of feelings of inadequacy… not all of the time, but in certain situations for sure. I can admit that easily… it feels a lot better to me to feel inadequate than to have a hidden desire of being better or greater than others.
This is one of those times where I would rather hide than admit I’m less than perfect.
If I didn’t care about my relationship in terms of another… inadequate wouldn’t be a feeling I would recognize. I can see that now.
It’s the places where I attach my self worth and identify myself with something outside of myself that brings these feelings up in me.
It’s in the moments when I forget that I am enough all by myself, that I begin to separate myself from others, and internally compare and compete to be the best or greatest.
There is no joy in this space. In fact there is huge conflict.
I want to live open heartedly accepting of others and connecting with others.
So this shyness thing isn’t going to work, and I don’t think fake it till I make it is going to apply.
Back to the drawing board…