We use each other.
Most people don’t want to admit that because it doesn’t sound like a good thing to do. But we all do it.
It’s not something I like to admit about myself, and I’m sure it’s not something you like to admit either.
And yet we do it.
Every relationship and every person in our life brings us some sort of payoff. If we don’t get a payoff, we don’t care and we don’t stay.
Sometimes the payoff isn’t healthy but it still exists.
Often we aren’t focused on the payoff, but it’s still serving us so we stay.
If you think I’m wrong, try saying goodbye. You won’t miss the people who weren’t contributing to your life.
Their contribution is the currency they are using, and their currency is your payoff.
Your currency can be healthy, or dysfunctional. It all depends on your intention and the space you’re coming from when you’re offering it.
I’ve seen people with money and stuff use that as their currency. They buy their way into relationships. They loan people money and they pay cash for what use. It’s fair and clean and easy. But it can be driven by manipulation.
I’ve seen people use love as a currency. They love someone up and make them feel wanted. It’s wonderful when it goes both ways. But it can be used in a way that is hurtful if they withhold their love as a punishment.
I used to use “nice” as a currency. And I see this one a lot.
We think if we are nicer people will like us more. We think nice doesn’t create conflict. We think someone will be nicer to us if we are nicer to them.
The problem with unconsciously using nice, or money, or love as a currency is that when you are coming from the space of “I am not enough”, you have to have more and more to give.
When the person on the other side of the equation is taking to fill up and “feel enough”, and you are giving more and more to try to compensate for not “being enough” , then relationships become toxic and unhealthy.
By openly admitting you use other people and what you are using them for you take control of the dynamics in the relationship.
How is this person fulfilling you?
How do you intend to contribute to them?
What do they need as fulfillment from you?
Gaining clarity on these questions will help you clean up your relationships and understand the role you are playing in others lives.