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When we don’t know where we are heading we overthink, over analyze, and over react to what’s happening around us.

The alternative is to have a vision of where we are heading.

You don’t need the map, and you don’t even need a picture.

But you do need to know how it feels.

How does it feel to be surrounded by the people you would like to be surrounded by?

How does it feel to stand in the places you want to stand?

How do you feel doing what you want to do?

How do you feel when you are being seen?

Spend some time in those feelings every day, clarifying them, and ultimately clarifying the vision of where you’re heading.

You will be amazed at how this simple daily act will change your entire life.

(Joe Dispenza has a morning and evening meditation to help guide you. Check it out in Apple Music here)

I took Seth Godins Marketing Seminar last year. His online courses are set up so that all participants are strongly encouraged to interact and help each other by posting your thoughts and then providing feedback to others.

Seth Godin preaches that it’s more important to “ship” your work than to obsess about it being perfect. (Shipping in Seth’s world means to finish your project and release it to the public). If you aren’t shipping, you aren’t showing up.

Brene Brown would say I “armour up” with perfectionism. I obsess to make something perfect so that I can avoid criticism because it is the worst. I spiral into hot embarrassment and shame. Perfectionism is a form of hiding, it’s driven by ego and it’s paralyzing because perfect isn’t possible, so I just remain in a feedback loop of “never good enough”.

In the seminar we would listen to a lesson, do our assignment, and “ship” by posting in the discussion board. Seth isn’t teaching easy concepts and most of the time most of us didn’t “get it”, but we would still be expected to post our thoughts, and then have to give feedback on others.

Giving good and helpful feedback is really hard. Our ego immediately wants to be involved because of the dynamic it comes with. When you are able to keep your ego in check you immediately run into the next issue… worrying about how your feedback will land on the person.

I started to dance around my issues projecting them on to the other person in an effort to avoid making them feel the shame or embarrassment that comes up in myself. Each time I would give any type of important feedback I would start to sweat and feel a lump in my throat.

But I learned a few things…

The purpose of feedback is to help each other level up. First you need to know that the other person wants to level up, otherwise it’s unsolicited and almost always lands wrong.

The very best feedback you can give is to help someone gain clarity on their goals, their beliefs, and their process. Sometimes this is a well thought out question, sometimes it’s a push back on their opinion, and sometimes it’s a helpful tip (but only if you have one). I like to share my story and how I see things, but this isn’t helpful in a feedback scenario because it muddies the water… I learned that the hard way.

The very worst feedback you can give is critical and ego driven because it shuts down all of the creative outlets and puts someone on the defence. The best work always comes from a confident creative person, so shutting them down takes away all of their spark, it’s not helpful at all.

“We all need people who will give us feedback. That’s how we improve.” – Bill Gates

Young and naive I used to put my trust in everyone. 

I didn’t have any checks and balances for myself to figure out who the “good guys” were and who the “bad guys” were, I just assumed everyone was good.

In the last few years I have taken a huge interest in defining the types of people I am going to put my trust in to.  

Here is what I’ve learned so far…

People who care and want to be genuinely good people have an underlying promise to be kind, honest, generous and empathetic… it’s not overdone and it’s never to their own detriment.  

Without consistency there isn’t trust.  

In order to be consistent they have clarity and strong enough boundaries to keep themselves operating at a level that allows them to always deliver.

They respect themselves as much as they respect you – an important piece of the puzzle I never used to understand.  

When they show up, they do so with their whole heart because their heart is whole. Their heart is whole because they look after it.  They look after their heart because they understand they can’t show up fully without it. 

These are the only people who earn my trust now.  Everyone else gets my trust in varying degrees and at various levels.

It is a high expectation and it is such a joy and a relief to find someone I can fully trust… it’s rare.

When I think about the kind of person I want to be… this is it.  

I want to be this kind of trustworthy.

It’s most obvious to blame the symptom and it’s also much easier than searching for the problem.

Overweight means you need to lose fat.

Broke means you need to make more money.

Unhappy means you need to have fun.

Bad grades means you need to study for the test.

Except none of this ever works long term. When you only see the symptom you burn out because you’re chasing it.

The symptom is only a manifestation of what’s already in play.

Overweight could mean your body systems aren’t functioning properly. Your liver could be sluggish, your gut probably isn’t functioning properly, and your hormones are taking over. You might not be able to tolerate certain foods, you could be lacking minerals in your diet, or you might have toxic levels.

Broke might mean you are living in scarcity and that you’re preserving yourself more than you’re contributing to society. It could be a sign that you’re selfish, or don’t have any self discipline.

Unhappiness could be a result of always putting others first and not making time for the things that light you up. You might need to learn boundaries and how to say no. Maybe you need to learn to receive good things in life, like help, gifts, or friendship. Maybe you need a dog ❤️

Bad grades might be because you didn’t learn how to learn. You might not know what clarity feels like or understand how to search for the answer. It’s possible you need to return to basics to fill in the gaps so you can move forward.

It’s a lot harder to figure out the problem than the symptom. It takes more time and a larger understanding, and you have to be brave enough to tackle it. The problem is overwhelming, and it’s hidden far beneath the surface.

We all know this. The symptoms have been showing up for years. But sometimes we need a reminder to look a little deeper into what is going on. Because on top of all of that, things change so fast that you can’t fix today’s problems with yesterday’s answer (-Einstein).

Every once in a while it seems like everything that was working in life quits working. I don’t know how or why it happens but I assume it is a redirect.

I’ve been consciously out of balance in my life for a while now. I knew I could either put the brakes on and resist life, or flow with it keeping the faith that it was all happening for a reasons I couldn’t yet see.

As the dust starts to settle I realize it’s taken me to a point where I am feeling a bit lost and unfocused. I have been bumbling along trying to follow the breadcrumbs I left behind earlier but it’s not been easy to put the pieces together. I can feel self doubt starting to creep back in and my confidence is waning.

The balance I’ve been missing is attention to my inner life vs. outer life. My outer life has been taking the lead, and now my inner life is trying to get my attention. I haven’t had time to recharge the way I normally would, quiet contemplation is rare and thinking is burning me out instead of filling me up. Since I like to think my way into a solution this is really tripping me up.

When I don’t have time for myself, I feel like the people around me don’t get the time and attention I would like to give them, and I start to feel bad about that. There are enough people who count on me to keep it together, it adds pressure. When the tank is empty everything grinds to a halt.

The past two weeks I have spent trying to make a correction for the past 3 months of insanity. A wise lady once told me, everyone hits the ditch, the key is to get back out of the ditch as soon as possible. So I’m working on it. Resting, hibernating, and being a bit of a recluse, trying to get my feet back under me.

I had a dream last night that I went for a pedicure and the lady refused to work on my feet because they were in too rough of shape, so even in my dreams I appear to be struggling to get my feet under me.

I am watching my inner dialogue as my confidence wanes and self doubt creeps in, and I’m working on staying compassionate towards myself. I’ve learned in the past that criticism and negative self talk is not the way to get out of the ditch quickly, and I’m tired of all of that anyway.

Today I will move forward. Take another shot at taking the weight off my shoulders that has been piling on, and do the best I can to get back out of the ditch and back on track with life and balance and all of the things I preach, and wait to see if I end up on the same path as before or a new one

My body loves to hibernate during winter, but I can feel it beginning to wake up now.

As the days get longer and the new light of spring takes over the darkness of winter, I feel the freshness of new beginnings and renewed life.  

Mother Nature is greatest teacher…and leader… of all. If we follow her lead we can maximize the time of year to its fullest potential.   

Baby calves and baby horses will start to show up in the fields, and hopefully we will see traces of green grass in a few weeks.  

My mom told me New Years resolutions should happen in March, when we actually feel like doing something.  She’s right…Again.  
This is the time of year I feel like its time to ask my body to do a little more to tone up and feel stronger… to start making better food choices for more energy… and to get outside to feel the sunshine on my head because it has some heat in it again.
Have you noticed a difference from the new light too?

Just for today let’s plan to try something new in an area we wouldn’t normally.

There is a different kind of energy in new things and new beginnings so let’s try to tap into it.

We need to be a little bit brave to try new things, the familiar is so comfortable, and new things can be difficult.

Maybe we try a new business tactic, or a new recipe. Maybe it’s a new exercise.

Maybe we try a new app or program, or a new restaurant. Maybe we talk to someone first.

Maybe we could try responding with love instead of fear, or try smiling instead of frowning. Maybe we open our hearts when we would normally close them.

Whatever you decide to try, let it be something that’s a little bit hard for you… that pushes you to move through difficulty.

Maybe you will find something you like, but if nothing else, you’ll have a great story to tell your friends.

Just for today let’s figure out what that will be, and then make sure to do it.

And as we do our new thing, let’s really pay attention to all of the ways it makes us feel, before we do it, during, and then after. That’s where you’ll feel the energy.

I can’t wait to hear about all of the new things!

There is nothing I love more than to turn the tables.

What if we turned the tables on shame?

It’s an awful debilitating state to be in. It’s where we feel like we aren’t good enough, we don’t deserve to be loved, and we aren’t worthy of good things.

Most of the time shame keeps us small and avoiding shame keeps us dysfunctional.

But if we want to show up in the world, we have to come to terms with the shame driven fear of not being accepted for something we have done or something we have said.

We have to find a way to become ok enough with ourselves that we can show up even if…

And if we show up even if…. we can trust that shame will show up too… and it will push us to keep doing better.

Don’t dwell on shame. Trust it. It will help you be better.

I am ok with being asked a zillion questions everyday. It’s part of my job, and lots of days the door is revolving all day long with a new person and a new question. This typically doesn’t bother me.

If one person asks me a question that triggers me, I might try to squash the uneasy feelings. As the day goes on and I’m being asked more questions, my knee jerk reaction might be to stop all of the questions and the story in my head might be “I can’t get my work done”.

I probably can’t get my work done and that is typical with my revolving door.

But the real truth is once I’ve been triggered by something, I’m not ok, and all I want to do is hide in my office doing my paperwork.

There are all sorts of triggers when you work in a family business. (The good news is, we do pretty well at family dinners and holiday gatherings because we are clearing all sorts of issues all of the time and now have a pretty healthy relationship with each other.)

It never helps to hide from it, squash it, or run from it. If you squash it, and pretend you aren’t triggered, you are asking for it to resurface again and it will probably do so at a very inopportune time.

It’s always better to take a few moments to understand your triggers and why you’re feeling the way you do.

Once you bring light to why you felt so strongly, you will feel better. Light heals, and understanding helps you make better, less reactionary, choices.

Next step is the underlying beliefs that cause the trigger.

Added perk? You will be triggered less often and understand others better. This creates healthier relationships.

It’s not fun, but it’s all worth it.

I have always been hyper sensitive to other people’s boundaries.

When someone would tell me ‘no’, I would think it was an absolute dead end. I would respect their ‘no’ and drop the issue.

That is the easy thing to do isn’t it? When someone says ‘no’ we can drop the towel. Then it’s not our fault it didn’t work out.

I am beginning to realize this was a childish response to an obstacle in front of me. When I was a child no meant no. There was no grey area and I learned not to push the envelope.

But it worked for me. It was a way I could hide because I could blame someone else for me not showing up, and I have leaned on it as an adult.

My worldview has changed and I’m seeing the world differently. I am learning there are no absolutes and anything is possible, we just have to find our way.

Now I have a conflict.

Hiding behind someone else’s ‘no’ doesn’t fit with my new worldview that anything is possible. Ive learned that we are the ones responsible to make change happen and make our world a better place. Which means moving past a lot of no’s.

I am struggling to figure out how to chip away at some pretty firm no’s. My knee jerk reaction is to recoil and throw up my hands in surrender the second I get a no.

The problem I’m facing is that when I recoil, I can’t make change happen. I’m allowing old habits, old ways of thinking, and dysfunctional patterns to continue because we all remained in our comfort zones.

I’m trying to face this fear.

It brings up strong feelings of rejection (which feel like death to me), but I muster up courage and force myself to show up again and keep gently chipping away at one ‘no’ at a time.

I’m finding that some people don’t always mean ‘no’ when they say no.

They might mean I’m scared, that’s too hard, I’m out of my comfort zone, or I don’t understand… but they don’t mean ‘no’ forever even though it’s possible they mean ‘no’ for right now.

The slightest amount of progress feels good and I am constantly wondering if doors will open that appear locked up tight.

Only time will tell, but I believe its possible.

A friend of mine mails birthday cards to all of her friends and always phones on birthdays.  

She told me once, that her feelings were hurt one year, because nobody remembered her birthday when it came around.  

She decided that she would quit sending cards and wasn’t going to make any more birthday calls, obviously nobody valued it.   

But ignoring everyone’s birthdays made her feel so awful.  

After much deliberation, she went back to sending cards and making birthday phone calls… She does it now because it makes her feel good to do it.   With no expectations of anything in return.  

And she has happily done it ever since.  

I loved that. 

You see when you are doing something expecting a specific outcome, you are setting yourself up for failure and disappointment, giving away all of your power to someone else.   How you feel has become hinged on their reception of it.  

But if your actions are out of love, and from the heart, because it’s what feels good to you, with no other agenda… There can be no wrong.  You can’t possibly feel bad or be made to feel bad.  

This is why even when doing something for someone else, you need to be doing it for you.   

I had become so tired of living on eggshells.

Living a life where you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop was stressful and exhausting… there was a never ending amount of shoes.

I must have been complaining to a friend teacher about it one day when he asked me what I really wanted… and I replied without hesitation, “peace”.

At the time it seemed like such a simple request, but 5 years later as I still hold the goal of peace in my minds eye… I’ve begun to understand how tall of an order it really is.

There are so many levels and layers to work through because “peace” is ultimately an inside job.

Forgiveness has been a big one, A Course in Miracles says, “to forgive is merely to remember only the loving thoughts you gave the past, and those that were given to you.  All of the rest must be forgotten.”

I can tell you I have had a lot of unloving thoughts – this is not as easy as it sounds.

Compassion also plays a big role in feeling “peace”.

“Compassionate action involves working with ourselves as much as working with others” – Pema Chodron

It’s a whole lot easier to feel compassion for someone else who has no direct effect on our lives whatsoever, than it does to be compassionate with ourselves, or someone who has deeply wounded us.  

When I have done something really dumb (or someone I love has) and the consequences are big… compassion is the last thing on my mind.

Staying present is fairly peaceful.  

Unfortunately my brain interprets every minuscule first world threat to be the same thing as having a sabre tooth tiger chasing after me… this makes it pretty challenging to stay present.

It’s a peaceful feeling to know the universe has my back and everything turns out for the best in the end… but it’s hard to see that when I’m getting my ass kicked in the arena of life.

Not to mention the “not at peace” feeling I get when there are inconsiderate people in the Tim Hortons drive through, or a customer makes unreasonable demands…and let’s not even start talking about the momma bear in me.

I did not realize when I blurted “peace” out that day that the miracle that would bring me peace was not going to be a change in others.

The miracle that brings me peace is a change in myself.

PS.  I am building an online course to help big hearted people live a little more whole heartedly.   If you would like for me to drop a line as more details become available, subscribe to my private email list below.

I watched a video of Oprah giving a commencement speech a little while ago, and it was one of those impactful moments where her words have never left me.

The words she was sharing were Maya Angelous to her, and Maya said, “Your legacy is every life you touch.   Your legacy is every life you touch.”

As these words have been ringing in my heart for the last several weeks or months they have changed me.

At first I remember thinking, “I wonder how many lives I’ve touched?”  

And while I know there were some, I also know I could do better.

I can do better with my friends, connecting more frequently, supporting and encouraging them with their dreams, validating who they are, and listening to their struggle.

I can do better with my immediate and extended family, spending more time and telling them I love them.

I can do better with my coworkers, taking time to help where I can and encourage where I can.

I can do better in my quick interactions with people, waving at the construction crew, chatting with the grocery clerk, and complimenting quick service.

I can do better with strangers, smiling and saying hi, being curious about who they are and what they are doing.

When thinking about your legacy, and the lives you’ve touched… can there ever be enough?

You can always be more generous with your time and attention.

You can always contribute more to society.

You can always show a little more love to anyone.

You can always focus on the greater good for everyone.

And why wouldn’t you?   

What have you got to lose?

What are you doing for your legacy?

Social distancing and self isolation and quarantine….

These are all terms that we have not been subjected to before on a personal level.

I have never heard of social distancing before. Did we just come up with this term?

Like everything else in life, we have to go from one extreme to the other before we can dig into the nuance and find the middle ground.

What is acceptable?

What is forbidden?

What is rude now?

Our culture is changing the rules.

We haven’t figured out how to social distance and still be classy.

I’m looking forward to when we smooth out the edges on this one.

I have noticed that there are a few different reactions to the current Pandemic

1) There are people who were immediately affected and reacted quickly.

2) There are people who have researched and watched the news and have become experts at the spread of the virus, the rules, and the theory behind flattening the curve and they have spread the word.

3) There are people who have resisted the news and changing their beliefs and are trying to coast through this and not allow it to affect their life.

We get several opportunities in life to build a stronger foundation, to dismantle old beliefs, to find courage, and to learn critical thinking skills.

But it’s not very often that everyone in the world goes through it together.

You will be frustrated.

You will be angry.

You will grieve.

You will learn.

You will become someone new

“When you can’t control what is happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what is happening. That is where your power is.”

This quote isn’t new. As a matter of fact, I’m certain you have heard it several times before. I’m also certain that you have grappled with its meaning and what it looks like in your life.

The deeper we get into this Pandemic the more it will affect you. It is stripping layers off of us as it threatens our freedoms. It is tearing down old and outdated structures in our lives, and is it challenging our beliefs.

I want to remind you to keep choosing how you respond.

A goal without a plan isn’t likely to happen.

You don’t have to be type A and make flow charts and spreadsheets, but you do have to take action.

Regular consistent action in the direction of where you want to go.

Better yet, if you implement a system that keeps you accountable or maybe even does the work for you, you’re likely to find a process that works.

While I was listening to an Amy Porterfield podcast. She read this quote from the book Atomic Habits by James Clear.

“If you’re a coach your goal might be to win a championship. Your system is the way you recruit players, manage your assistant coaches, and conduct practice. If you’re an entrepreneur your goal might be to build a million dollar business. Your system is how you test product ideas, hire employees, and run marketing campaigns. If you’re a musician your goal might be to play a new piece. Your system is how often you practice, how you break down and tackle difficult measures, and your method for receiving feedback from your instructor.

Now for the interesting question. If you completely ignored your goals and focused only on your system would you still succeed? For example, if you were a basketball coach and you ignored your goal to win a championship and focused only on what your team does at practice each day would you still get your results? I think you would.

The goal in any sport is to finish with the best score. But it would be ridiculous to spend the whole game staring at the scoreboard. The only way to actually win is to get better each day. In the words of three-time Super Bowl winner, Bill Walsh ‘the score takes care of itself.‘”

Do you have a system?

Or are you just staring at the scoreboard?

Life can be hard.

It’s hard to show up.

It’s hard to speak your truth.

It’s hard to follow your heart.

It’s hard to say no to someone else and choose yourself.

But those things only seem hard when we are blocked, our values are conflicted, or we haven’t done it before.

Each hard thing is actually quite easy once you decide to do it.

It’s simply a mindset shift.

Believing it’s hard means you need to find the strength to do hard things (which is possible) but believing it’s easy (and not changing your mind about it in the middle) means you simply have to get resourceful and figure it out.

Over thinking, too much planning, and waiting for the perfect time is a curse. It weighs you down and holds you back.

Start before you’re ready and let it be easy.

Yes there is a reason you feel like it’s hard. But at the end of this the day that’s just the story you’re telling yourself.

If it’s draining you…

If it’s making you sick…   

If it’s causing you to lose your hair…

It is poisoning you and your soul.  

If it lights you up…  

If it energizes you…

If it bubbles out of you without effort…

It’s the work you are meant to do, the path you need to be on, or the people you need to be around.  

It’s different for everyone. What drains you, might completely light someone else up.   

Let’s stop doing each other’s work, and let’s all do what we were intended to do.  

Spend your time on what floats your boat.  

Then float on…